Ever since I was pretty young I always wanted a little girl when I grew up . I always wanted a daughter of my own . A girl to play dollies with and get my nails done with , to see her daddy walk her down the aisle one day . To me when I was younger I just assumed I would have a girl when I had a baby . Like I could pick what gender I had but we all know that’s not exactly how it works .
When I had my first child I did want a little girl but when I found out he was a boy I was genuinely over the moon .
When my second child came along the want for a girl that time round was stronger , one of each , who could ask for more right?
Another boy .. all though initially a tad disappointed it didn’t last long and I was happily buying blue the next day .
Baby number 3 , so now I really wanted this baby to be a girl . Two boys already , a sister would just be amazing .
I remember waiting in the wait room for the gender scan we booked and I was so nervous , I just wanted to hear the words ‘ she’s a girl ‘ so badly . When they told us they were going to check the gender now , my heart was beating so fast , I just wanted them to tell me . Instantly when they went in between the legs , there it was , a third little winky staring back at us , he certainly wasn’t shy. So another boy . I was gutted . I walked out the scan room and had to wait in the waiting room to get our pictures and right then is when I burst into tears . I felt so guilty for feeling this way , people sat in that room must have thought I had really bad news as I was crying so much . Honestly I was hysterical, you know that horrible crying when you can’t talk as you can’t catch your breath properly , yes I did that . I remember the tech saying to me ‘ at least baby is all healthy ‘ and I just broke down even more because that horrible guilt was eating me up . I’d just seen my baby boy , perfectly healthy baby boy . I should have been happy , I wanted to be happy , I really did but I felt my dreams of having a daughter had slipped away from me . My heart was in pain and as much as people hugged me and tried to make me feel better , know one but you can truly understand how it feels . It’s grieving for something you have never had , yet want to have so much .
I don’t think I quite got over the fact he was a boy until he was born . I got used to it the further along the pregnancy progressed , I still was sad though . Although the minute we welcomed him into the world my heart just exploded with pure love . He was meant to be , I was meant to be his mama . All those sad and upset thoughts just washed away when I held that tiny little newborn in my arms . I just forgot all those negative thoughts and was so grateful to have another little boy to smother with love .
It is so normal to have a gender preference and it is so normal to be upset , or in my case utterly devastated, when it doesn’t turn out how you wanted .
Unfortunately there will always be people who don’t understand it and will judge others for feeling the way they do but just try not to let their opinions add to any Mum guilt you are likely already feeling .
Know that there is plenty of other mothers ( and father’s ) out there who feel or felt exactly the same as you .
Your not alone , your not a horrible person and your feelings are totally valid , do not let anybody tell you otherwise .
And know that regardless of how you feel when your carrying your baby , the minute you set eyes on that little miracle you will feel nothing but unconditional love .