Updated: Feb 16, 2020
10DPO - I can see a faint line on my pregnancy test. I hand it over to my husband who says, it’s negative, let’s try again in a few days...
I was so desperate to be pregnant again. Our son was only 17 months old,. We had sadly miscarried the month before at just 5 weeks, so now i wanted it more than anything.
The next few days i was testing like mad, just to see the line get darker.
6 weeks pregnant now and i had to have an early pregnancy scan, I was having lots of pain in both my ovaries and it turned out that i had actually ovulated from each ovary this was causing the hormone to over produce and me to be in a lot of pain.
Exactly 6 weeks in to my pregnancy was the moment i started to throw up, not once not twice but 30 plus times a day. What the hell was going on? Why was I this Ill. Was everything ok? Was the baby ok? All these things running through my head. My son was only 17 months old he was so young to watch mummy being this unwell.
Morning sickness - I researched it like mad.
I guess this is what morning sickness is like? PURE HELL!!!!
Things got really bad, I couldn’t walk in my kitchen, the look of it, the smell of it would literally make me throw up.
The smell of any food was the same. The colour paint on my bedroom wall, seeing peppa pig on tv all of it made me extremely poorly, the worst smell though was my son 💔 he bathed everyday and was well kept and clean, however it didn’t matter there was a certain aroma on him and it was awful. I didn’t understand all of this how was i this sick. What did I do to be this sick? How was morning sickness like this?
I became extremely depressed at this point i was so low, i hated that i couldn't go and play with my son, i hated how this pregnancy took my boy away from me how i couldn't cuddle him without being violently ill. I would watch him play with his cars on the landing and i would be sat in floods of tears feeling like an absolute failure of a mother.
9 weeks came.....3 weeks of pure hell and how long left did i have to go? At this point i was extremely depressed, i was put on a travel sickness drug that was horrendous, it smelt so bad. The weekend came and i was throwing up more than 30 times a day, i couldn't even swallow my own spit. I had to spit it out in a cup. Water would come straight back up too, At this point i was in such a bad way my husband said its time to go to the hospital. I could barely walk, i was so weak. When we got to A&E We wasn't even made to wait, they took one look at me, got me on the bed and hooked me up to IV fluids and pumped me full of anti sickness medication, there i was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum.
We stayed in for 8 hours and after 3 lots of anti sickness, i finally felt human again to go home, that human we even went to McDonalds, I was so hungry, i was so happy you couldn't wipe the smile off my face, i couldn't wait to get home and cuddle my boy, i was finally excited to be pregnant again.
IV ZOFRAN the wonder drug!!!
The next morning it all hit me like a ton of bricks, running to the toilet to be sick again, tears rolling down my face and my son patting me on the back asking "why mummy sick"?
I was so angry why did the drug not work? How long is this going to go on for?
My depression was bad at this point, My doctor doubled my dose of Zofran but i was still throwing up, I was then put on anti sickness injections which didn't even tough the sides. 3 weeks on bed rest!!!! 3 weeks with a 17 month old 🤦🏽♀.
I had to make a decision, could i really continue this pregnancy and doing this for potentially the next 31 weeks?
My husband came home from work and i told him I wanted a termination, i explained i couldn’t do this anymore. I physically had nothing left in me.
Hyperemisis.......The only way i can even describe it, is like i was dying, dying a slow painful death, i felt my body was being eaten up, battered and weak. (dramatic I know) My son all alone, not even understanding what was wrong with me. I couldn't take this any longer and that was my decision. I had to terminate this pregnancy, the pregnancy I wanted so badly.
The next day my husband begged me not to do it, please don't terminate our baby, stop looking at clinics. Deep down if someone had giving me tablets to stop the pregnancy I don’t think I would have done it, that moment in those long hard weeks, my brain was constantly shouting.....You can not do this!
This baby i hadn't even bonded with, this pregnancy, the baby that was making me so SICK!!
I didn't go through with it. But i still couldn't bond with the baby, the baby i wanted so bad but resented. Weeks went by and more sickness came, more iv drips and more anxiety.
At 16 weeks my mother in law bought us a gender scan to do something fun with our little boy.
IT WAS A GIRL......The baby was a girl, I cried so much. I wanted a daughter so bad but i honestly only ever saw myself with boys.
22 weeks came round and the sickness was easing, i was able to come off my medication and start to actually bond with this beautiful little girl inside my belly.
The sickness completely disappeared and never showed up again, which I was so thankful for, I know for some it last the entire pregnancy and I don’t know how I would have coped with that.
Our daughter is now one, and she is the most amazing, loving, and very funny little girl.
I quite often think back to what if.....what if i had terminated her, what if my husband had said OK, if you really cant handle this then do it. What if my mental health actually took me down that path. I am so glad it didn't i am so happy i have my two wonderful children but i would never judge anyone for their decision, i know 10% of hyperemesis pregnancies end up in abortion.
For me It is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.
We really are bloody super mums.
My daughter, of course is worth it all, but i know 1000% i will never have another baby again because of hyperemesis, in fact 4 months after our daughter was born, my husband had a vasectomy. I could never let my children or i ever go through that again.
Thank you for reading my blog.
To all you hyperemsis mummies there is a light at the end of the tunnel. YOU'VE GOT THIS, You can do it and you are the strongest mummy in the world.
To the people looking in on hyperemesis mummies - Please remember Hyperemesis Gravidarum is NOT i repeat NOT morning sickness, DO NOT say eat ginger or eat dried toast JUST SUPPORT, HOLD THEIR HAIR, RUB THEIR BACK, AND WIPE THEIR TEARS.
Lots Of Love Claire x